Friday, February 13, 2009

Valentine's Week Musings

Ok, so this only might make me laugh.

I'm going in reverse order.

Last night my sister came over with a red velvet cake for Valentine's Day.

She was baking one for mominem and I, my neighbor, and her father in law.

Yummy cake.

Cut to today, and I take a bathroom break.

It looks like I'm having a spontaneous abortion or have major lower bowel cancer.

I'm thinking both.

Then I get to thinking what I ate last.

'How much Hi-C did I drink?'

'Did I main-line Kool-Aid?'

Then it comes to me - I ate that GD red velvet cake!

Then I think, 'oh shit! mom, the hypochondriac is gonna freak if..."


This is me:

mom, um, if you ate A's cake, don't freak out in the bathroom.

mominem: Oh , THANK GOD I'm not the ony one! I've been freaking out all morning!


Ok, so then I email sis and tell her she should tell all of her victims not to freak out.

She replys that I'm gross and that's all.

So I email another victim who replys:

Yeah, I figured that out, but don't tell (victim # 4)- her sister.


I may now need anal bleaching to get rid of red dyes 4,5 6,7 and 84,000.




In other news, I got my Valentine's present from my mother.

A case of frozen pizzas and a box of mozzarella bites from Sam's Club.

I think it's a sad case when your mominem decide to get you food stuff as a present.

Just saying...


And lastly, last Saturday I get a phone call from someone who wants to burn me.

Really.

It started with my receiving a card in the mail for a free cremation from the Neptune Society.

I guess I lost because I got a call from a guy in Baytown who wanted to meet me for coffee to discuss.

I asked him to send me brochures and he said that was fine but would rather meet for 'coffee or something'...

Cut six months forward and he calls me again at 9 o'fucking clock last Saturday morning.

I told him as much that it was rude and to call back anytime after 8.

Motherfarker did.

I ignored the call.

Then I get a call from an unrecognized number and I stupidly answer. BTW, his name is Bob.

Me: Hello

Bob: Hi, is his Bob from Nep...

Me: Yes, I know.

Bob: Can you meet me this week?

Me: No, this week is busy with work, can I get your phone or cell or email and I'll call you back?

Bob: (really this is what he said) NOBODY EVER CALLS BACK ABOUT CREMATION!

Me: um,ok, but...

Bob: What about Saturday?

Me: No, I'm busy. (what I'm really thinking is - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THAT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT BURNING ME TO A CRISP ON VALENTINE'S DAY YOU SICK FUCK!!!)

Bob: (indignant) Thank you. BYE!

me: (stunned for a bit then - did that motherfucker just hang up on me because I wouldn't meet him for coffee to discuss burning my corpse?

really?

it's the Neptune Society - what makes me know for sure he's not throwing my arse to the sharks and then giving my family an urn filled with kitty litter?