Ok, so this only might make me laugh.
I'm going in reverse order.
Last night my sister came over with a red velvet cake for Valentine's Day.
She was baking one for mominem and I, my neighbor, and her father in law.
Cut to today, and I take a bathroom break.
It looks like I'm having a spontaneous abortion or have major lower bowel cancer.
I'm thinking both.
Then I get to thinking what I ate last.
'How much Hi-C did I drink?'
'Did I main-line Kool-Aid?'
Then it comes to me - I ate that GD red velvet cake!
Then I think, 'oh shit! mom, the hypochondriac is gonna freak if..."
This is me:
mom, um, if you ate A's cake, don't freak out in the bathroom.
mominem: Oh , THANK GOD I'm not the ony one! I've been freaking out all morning!
Ok, so then I email sis and tell her she should tell all of her victims not to freak out.
She replys that I'm gross and that's all.
So I email another victim who replys:
Yeah, I figured that out, but don't tell (victim # 4)- her sister.
I may now need anal bleaching to get rid of red dyes 4,5 6,7 and 84,000.
In other news, I got my Valentine's present from my mother.
A case of frozen pizzas and a box of mozzarella bites from Sam's Club.
I think it's a sad case when your mominem decide to get you food stuff as a present.
And lastly, last Saturday I get a phone call from someone who wants to burn me.
It started with my receiving a card in the mail for a free cremation from the Neptune Society.
I guess I lost because I got a call from a guy in Baytown who wanted to meet me for coffee to discuss.
I asked him to send me brochures and he said that was fine but would rather meet for 'coffee or something'...
Cut six months forward and he calls me again at 9 o'fucking clock last Saturday morning.
I told him as much that it was rude and to call back anytime after 8.
I ignored the call.
Then I get a call from an unrecognized number and I stupidly answer. BTW, his name is Bob.
Bob: Hi, is his Bob from Nep...
Me: Yes, I know.
Bob: Can you meet me this week?
Me: No, this week is busy with work, can I get your phone or cell or email and I'll call you back?
Bob: (really this is what he said) NOBODY EVER CALLS BACK ABOUT CREMATION!
Me: um,ok, but...
Bob: What about Saturday?
Me: No, I'm busy. (what I'm really thinking is - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THAT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT BURNING ME TO A CRISP ON VALENTINE'S DAY YOU SICK FUCK!!!)
Bob: (indignant) Thank you. BYE!
me: (stunned for a bit then - did that motherfucker just hang up on me because I wouldn't meet him for coffee to discuss burning my corpse?
it's the Neptune Society - what makes me know for sure he's not throwing my arse to the sharks and then giving my family an urn filled with kitty litter?